It all starts with one thought.
Cycling downward into a never-ending abyss of self-criticizing gloom.
No wonder my heart has gotten so tired of fighting my brain from these poisonous thoughts. No wonder it’s succumbed to the daily doses of poison. Are these thoughts really coming from me? How did this happen? Can unsaid thoughts really have such an affect? How long can they go unsaid?
My thoughts are black and white. That compassion in my heart for others so wants to come out, but my brain wins with its criticism at times. It’s always inward. I’ve worked to overcome this deterministic attitude towards others, winning….
However, inside, I am my worst critic. My imperfections haunt the brain that longs for perfection. I can’t conquer it alone. I’ve tried for 10 years to conquer it alone. Failing….
That compassion is never extended to myself. Why? Because I compare. I compare my body, my success, my worth, my everything to others. Their outward shell. This cycle has ruined me. I’ve damned myself into believing the negativity…. the lies. It’s led to mornings where I couldn’t take on the world… and more importantly, I couldn’t take on myself. My heart has given in to my brain.
My heart now believes the lies. Succumbing beckons bad spirits around me who feed off my negativity, love when I am depressed, and win when I believe them. It pushes away the good spirits that want to cheer me on, help, and uplift.
Those unsaid thoughts about myself and about others now creep out without realizing. What’s happened?
I now recognize the problem. That miserable cycle started with a comparison. The self-shaming may not be true, but I still believe it. I’ve been beaten. My soul is crying. My body is numb, and my heart is done. I’ve given up on the things that give me joy because I’ve believed I’m not worth it. I’ve believed that joy isn’t something I am worthy of.
How have I gotten here?
Why have I ignored the little voices inside saying the negative thoughts are not true? That I am worth it. That I deserve joy. That even though I may not love myself, that I have a Savior who loves me perfectly. Perfectly.
Reminding myself of that pure infinite love is the only thing that helps when the going gets tough. This depression that I have lived with far longer than I expected is softened by the knowledge that even when I don’t love myself, that I have someone who loves me far more than I will ever know.
And that is the light at the end of the tunnel. That is positivity in a sea of negativity.
And that is what I’m starting to believe.
At at time.
If I could have you get one thing out of reading all of this (if you are still reading, you rock!). Allow yourselves to be happy. If you don’t know what happiness feels like anymore, or at all, find it. I found it through forgetting myself and remembering my Savior. I’m certainly not healed yet, but I am trying. Find it through service, learning something new, quitting your job, traveling, exercise… whatever you do, just DO IT! You are more than enough. You don’t have to be perfect. Just get up in the morning, and start with that. Start somewhere. Don’t allow your respect of yourself to be lost. It isn’t worth it.
Know that your Savior loves you. Everything will work out after that.